Frightened
by unbothered4
Summary: When Clarissa try's to commit suicide will there be anyone stopping her from going back to it will she be able to let anyone in or is she to damaged or depressed for any help. WARNING: suicidal thoughts drugs sex maybe even violence so read at your own discretion DISCLAIMER I don't own the characters Casandra Clare does..
1. Giving Up

**Authors Note:** **As I was writing my chapter for my other story I thought of a whole other story so please READ!**

* * *

Growing up wasn't like most childhoods with a happy family, caring, and loving parents. My childhood I felt unwanted, scared, alone and unloved.

When I turned 15 my parents got into a car accident and didn't survive. My brother Johnathon 19 at the time got custody of me. A family friend ended up helping my brother out with taking care of me since he wanted to attend college.

My last year of college I met a man who showed me what love is, he treated me like a queen and I was so in love with him. Caleb was more than I expected.

It has been 2 years since I first met Caleb, 6 months ago he proposed to me and of course I said yes, I mean come on I was in love with him, my whole being revolved around him, he was my everything.

Caleb was caring, sweet, kind. I used to get surprise dinners or random dates out of nowhere which I thought was pretty sweet, he also showered me in gifts he made me feel special until all that changed.

Since we been engaged he turned into a man that I never wanted to see or be with. 4 months after I agreed to marry him he became violent saying I belonged to him and he will kill me or kill anyone that tries to take me from him.

At some point my brother figured something was going on because a month ago he walked in on me cleaning a gash on my arm it looked bad.

I told him it was all my fault that I fell on some glass when I went to pick up a drink I spilled, I slipped on it and the glass went into my arm. Johnathon wasn't convinced but he let it go.

Once Caleb found out that my brother thought something was going on he packed us up and moved us to a small town where he knew a few people.

I on the other hand don't know anyone. I feel trapped like I am a prisoner, I am not allowed to work, I can only leave if I am going grocery shopping or if I am with him.

Caleb talked me into staying home so he can take care of everything he wants me to be a house wife and do as I am told.

Little did I know it was a way to control me but at the time I didn't see it that way, I saw a man wanting to take care of his girl.

There was a time that I wanted to be independent and provide for myself, Show the world what I am made of, but I do as he says for fear of angering him and making it worse.

Today is a different story, right now I am in our (his) bathroom thinking about how I am going to cover up these bruises, the black eye, and how to bring the swelling down but I feel I am better off.

About 2 weeks ago I wasn't feeling to well, so I decided to get a pregnancy test while I was grocery shopping. indeed, I was pregnant.

I told Caleb thinking he would be thrilled we would be having a baby, but I was wrong he wasn't too happy.

Caleb beat me for being pregnant, the beating was so bad that I miscarried. I felt so empty and numb

I still feel empty, and numb but I also feel unworthy of love, I have no purpose Caleb finds anyway to down grade me or make me feel worthless and I believe him.

I wanted to have my own art gallery after I graduated college, but Caleb said I can't build a life with art, that my art is useless no one will ever waste their money on my art.

As I look at myself in the mirror I don't see who I use to be I see a girl with dull red hair, and empty green eyes.

I can honestly say that I have given up completely I am not that happy person I use to be when my brother was the one raising me or the carefree girl in college.

I open the cabinet and take out what I am looking for and close it back and give myself one more look over.

As I look at myself with determination I hope I don't see this girl no more, the girl who allowed it to get this bad, the girl who believed every word or insult that was said to her.

As I remove the cap off the small bottle in my hand I start thinking about what our life would have been like before he changed. A house, a dog, children.

I realize as I pour myself a large glass of water that what I vision our future to be like will never happen because of the swollen face, bruises, the loss of our baby is proof enough that there is no such thing as happy ever after.

I pour the contents from the small bottle in my hand and I take a hand full placing it in my mouth and wash it down with the glass of water.

The glass of water slips through my fingers and makes a loud crash once it hits the floor and breaks. I start to feel a little dizzy.

I can hear Caleb banging on the bathroom door saying he is sorry, he just wants to help me, he didn't mean it, but he always says that.

He must have heard the glass break because he sounds more frantic. Caleb's voice sounds so far away even though he is right at the door. I am starting to feel sleepy and I don't think I can hold myself up much longer.

I go toward the door, so I can sit against it, but I slip and bang my head on the corner of the sink. I am starting to see red and my vision is unfocused.

I don't want to feel, I don't want to think I just want to sleep if possible and hopefully the amount of sleeping pills I took will help me do just that.

As I think of all the hurt and pain I went through since I was young, and I realize I feel no regret for my decision I feel nothing.

So, as I feel the darkness consuming me which makes me smile because I know I won't ever have to feel the hurt, the pain, or any other way again.

I Clarissa Fray was too weak to fight and even though I choose to end the fight at least I got to leave on my own time . . . . . ..

* * *

 **Authors Note:** **Please tell me what you all think and if I should continue this story.**

 **if you didn't check out my other story please do.**

 **any ideas to what might happen if I continue please let me know what you think will occur next XOXOXOXO.**

 **~UNBOTHERED**


	2. Faded

**Clary's P.O.V.**

I feel like I am floating, I am surrounded by darkness, I can't see or feel anything but for some reason I can hear voices. I move forward in the darkness, so I can try to find where the voices are coming from.

As I move forward the voices get louder and they sound so familiar. I can't be so sure though because I remember hitting my head hard before it became all dark.

Once I get close enough I can see a scene playing in front of me. It's like a part in a movie but this is more than a regular scene, I can see myself as a child.

I must be dreaming, or my mind is playing tricks on me because I can't be seeing myself.

As I look at the scene before me I realize this looks more like a memory that I tried to forget but I guess it still there as I watch it play repeatedly.

 _(Scene or Memory)_

 _It was late at night when I was woken out my sleep to yelling. I slowly slip out of bed and tip toe as quietly as my 7yr old feet could to my room door._

 _As I reach my door the yelling gets louder, I open my door slowly just a crack, so I can peek out. I see my mom and dad arguing_

 _It's been a month since my dad got laid off from work, he's been coming home at late hours of the night and very intoxicated._

 _Last week my mom confronted him about his behavior, saying that it wasn't healthy, and it needed to stop, he got angry and stormed off._

 _I am already use to these disputes between them but today it wasn't like every other disagreement or argument it was much worse._

 _" You need to stop coming home like this think about the example you are setting for our children. " my mom shouted._

 _" Fuck the children I didn't want them anyway. " father shouts back._

 _I am shaking in fear how could he say that, I thought he loved us, I thought I was his little princess like he always told me before he started to change and come home and argue with mom._

 _Now I know why I never was their princess because my father despised us, and my mom was always busy doing her own thing then once my dad changed it only got worse I sometimes feel like I am a ghost no one can see me but can feel my presence._

 _I shake my head to clear my mind of any other thoughts and turn my attention back to my parents. I turn just in time to see my mom slap my dad across his face._

 _" don't you dare say something like that about my children again you bastard. " my mom says with venom laced in her voice as she speaks every word._

 _Dad doesn't look to happy about her actions because you can see his jaw clenching, the anger in his eyes and the next thing he does shocks me._

 _I watch as my dad shoves my mom against the wall very hard that she gasps for breath and a little in shock " That will be the first and last time you put your fucking hands on me " he says through gritted teeth._

 _Mom looks scared you can see the fear through her wide green eyes, she shoves him off her ignoring what he just told her and trying not to be fazed by his threat which gets him even more mad._

 _" You fucking bitch " he snarls as he slaps her across the face._

 _The slap was so hard that she falls to the ground, she grabs her cheek and looks at him with hate in her eyes, but you can see some fear as well, my mom gets up slowly and gives my dad a look that would kill if it could._

 _" I already told you if you don't get your act together I was going to leave your ass, but I realized you just got much worse and I am done " she states with finality and venom in her voice_

 _My mom turns to leave but my dad grabs her wrist roughly turns her around and punches her in the face, she falls and hits her head on the floor. I watch in horror as he starts to kick her._

 _" You are not leaving me or taking my children " he yells with every kick._

 _I am so scared, but I don't let my fear stop me as I run out my room towards my parents, so I can help my mom._

 _As I get closer to my parents I throw myself at my dad, I grab onto his arm " daddy NO leave my mommy alone " I yell_

 _My dad shakes me off and slaps me, I fly back from the impact and bang my head against the wall and I fall to the ground._

 _I start to see black dots clouding my vision as my head is radiating in pain and I can feel sleep pulling at my eyes but before the darkness consumes me completely I can see my dad looking at me with shock and anger then it goes black._

 _(End of Scene or Memory)_

As I watch myself become unconscious the scene just vanishes and I am surrounded by darkness once again.

I recall that happening that was the first time my father became violent but ever since then it sure wasn't his last time.

At the age of five I got less attention from my parents my dad was always at work, my mom always seemed upset about something, so she threw herself into painting.

My brother is 4 yrs. older than me, he did his best to give me his attention, but it wasn't enough for me I always wanted my parents love and affection.

I felt alone like they didn't want me the only time I was acknowledge was when I was taken to school, being picked up, or during dinner.

I took care of myself with the help of my brother, he helped me with the things I couldn't do but he did teach me how to do it on my own as well.

When I was around the age of 13 I started to self-harm I use to always cut my self-thinking I didn't deserve to live.

Then my parents died I was sad and hurt that they died but not so much because they never cared for me and my brother loved me the way I should have been loved and taken care of.

I started to feel like I got another chance at life that I can find love and happiness.

I guess I was wrong I realized in life there is no such thing as happiness. I had let love blind me from the true nature of who some one really is.

I chose my fate because I realized that I am a waste of space in this world and I don't feel like I have a purpose.

Caleb showed me how worthless I am, I realize that as I feel the darkness fade away that I hope I succeed in ending my life because who would want a girl like me.

I look so fragile, pale skinned, bright red hair, green eyes and I am very small that I look like a child. I am a geek at heart I love Star Wars, marvel and dc. I love to wear jeans and t-shirts, I like to lose myself in my art and close the world off.

I haven't touched my art since I agreed to stay home and let Caleb take care of me. I honestly don't know who I am any more or who I want to be.

I do know that I gave up trying to figure out who I was or wanted to be because I am plain old Clary that has lived long enough to know when it's time for it to end, to be honest who is going to care enough to miss someone like me.

 _NO ONE!_

* * *

 **Authors Note: So, it's been a while I am sorry I took forever to update but I have online exams that I been working on, so I can get my diploma that I had lost track on how long it's been and plus I am A MOTHER OF 4 my youngest being 5 months so I am trying my best to update as much as possible.**

 **BUT I am back and working on my chapters once again let's hope my next exams aren't more essay's but anyway please leave a review and tell me what you think PLEEAASSEEE be Honest because this chapter was RUSHED, and I don't want my readers disappointed in what I wrote.**

 **Let me know what you think, what might happen next or what you would like to happen.**

 **I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO READ HOW YOU ALL FEEL**

 **Thank You all I appreciate the support and encouragement to continue.**

 **REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! XOXOXOXOXO**

 **~UNBOTHERED**


	3. Mute

**Clary's P.O.V.**

As I try to open my eyes I feel pain all through my body and as I breath slowly I can feel the bruising pain in my ribs I think I may have some broken ribs.

I take a tentative breath and peel my eyes open slowly and I look to see I am in an all-white room with beige curtains all around my bed and I know I am in a hospital I can smell the sterilizer and I can hear the beeping of the machines.

I turn my head slowly to my right and I see my brother sleep in a chair by the window why is my brother here I know he has his own life I am old enough for him not to worry about me.

I wonder what happened to Caleb did he leave; did they catch him was he the one to get me to the hospital or call for help and as I ask myself these questions I feel a tear slid down my cheek which I wipe away because this will be the last time I cry.

I honestly don't care anymore because he didn't love me the way I loved him, and I know he could never love me the way I thought he did, but I wonder why he would want to help me or stop me from killing myself.

I know my brother didn't know where I was, and no one knew what was going on, so he had to be the one who got me help and I know my brother is here because no matter what hospital I am at if they pull out my records from any other hospital they will see that my brother is my emergency contact.

I hope I can get past this, but I know I am going to go back to that girl who use to cut herself or I am going to close everyone off I would stop eating and stop caring about myself completely

I was pulled out my thoughts by movement and I turn to see my doctor standing at the door he has beautiful blond hair, gold eyes, and a warm smile as he approaches my bed.

"Hello Clarissa, it's good to see your awake I am Dr. Herondale but you can call me Jace" he says with the same warm smile.

I stare at him with a blank expression because to be honest I don't feel anything I feel numb and I also don't feel like talking EVER.

I think I'm just going to become a mute that doesn't feel or show any type of emotion because what's the point of life if you can't find someone to love the way you want to be loved or you are struggling to love yourself.

You see so many things that is wrong with yourself that you wish you could change the way you look, the way you dress, or your personality but even if you made all those changes you feel like it still wouldn't be enough or make a difference.

I turn my attention to the window where my brother is stirring awake and look out to the night sky I must have been here a while.

Jon opens his eyes and glances at me then to the doctor then back at me with shock in his eyes he rushes to me and pulls me into a hug which I tense and flinch, but I do not return the hug which causes him to pull back with me still in his embrace and looks at me with confusion.

I just stare at him he looks hurt, but I don't seem to have a reaction to it I don't know how he wants me to react, so I just blink once at him and turn my attention back to the window not moving a muscle not saying a word.

I feel my brother turn his head I am guessing to my doctor "what's wrong with her" I hear him ask you can hear the concern in his voice, but I don't know why he's concerned for me I am just a burden he shouldn't have to deal with me, but I can't seem to voice my thoughts or seem to see the point of speaking.

"I think we should step outside to speak." my doctor says

I feel my brother turn to me "Clary I am going to step out just for a moment okay." Jon tells me I turn to my brother and I can see a worried look on his face he sits there for a minute waiting to see if I would respond but I don't, so he sighs leans forward and plants a kiss on my forehead then stands and follows the doctor out.

Jon leaves the door cracked with his back towards the door I can still see him, but I can't hear what they are speaking about, so I turn my attention back to the window.

As I stare out at the night sky I wonder if I had another chance would I be successful, but I doubt that I would have any chance because I know I am on watch and I know my brother will be on me making sure I don't try to harm myself again.

Sometimes I wish before we were born that we could see what our future would be like and be able to choose who our parents are, so you would have a better future I also know if life was like that there will be no wrong in this world and we wouldn't be able to tell what was bad or what was good unless a person is born bad and he didn't become that way because of his/her parents.

A few moments later my brother comes in with a sad look on his face, but you can see more of a determination look than anything else I know regular me would have been confused with his determination, but I just stare at him with a regular look I have no emotion left to give or show.

I know you wondering how can she have no emotions or feelings it's impossible to not have that because without that you can't possibly be human but to live the life I lived or feel the way I had felt you would think emotions are pointless or over rated.

Jon sits on the bed across from me and takes a hold of my hands as Dr. Herondale tell us that he will give us some privacy and come back later to make sure everything is okay and then he leaves.

Jon squeezes my hands gently, I stare at him with a blank expression which causes him to sigh in defeat because he didn't get a reaction out of me by the little action he did with my hands.

When you allow yourself to feel nothing and all that is left behind is a bunch of numb and emptiness there is not much anyone can do to get a reaction out of you.

"Clary I don't know how long this been going on but I am worried about you suicide is not the answer and from what I am seeing it looks like you trying to shut yourself off or something I don't know what this is but I want my sister back the old carefree and happy Clarissa back so I am sending you to the institute where Dr. Herondale's mom runs a place to help people like you and since your doctor lives there and helps his mom he will take you and its back in New York so I will go set up your room and meet you there" Jon states in one breath meaning that is what's happening and I don't have a choice.

I look at him and as I go over what he just said in my head and I start contemplating if this is legal because I am an adult I don't think he can just place me somewhere without my consent and how would I be able to get my second chance at freedom if I am locked up somewhere.

As if reading my mind, he says "You don't look like you are capable to take care of yourself plus you're not speaking or anything and being that I am your next of KIN I have the right to place you somewhere that I know you are safe and it will help you."

I just blink at him then turn my attention back to the window I guess I will be living with strangers that can hurt me, miss treat me, or ignore me and I can't do nothing about it because I became a mute and my brother is right I am not capable of taking care of myself because I would just try to succeed on what I failed on trying to do before.

I don't think this institute is going to help me, but I have no say in the matter, so I am going to be living a life that I don't want no more. I hope I won't have to be there for too long I hope I get to go home after a while because I will only be wasting peoples time and taking up space for someone who needs it more than I do.

I don't really know how this program works only time will tell . . . . . .

* * *

 **Authors Note:** **Here you have it I did my best hope you like this chapter please leave a REVIEW and tell me what you think.**

 **I want to THANK my reviewers for taking your time out to leave one when I see I have one I can't help but smile.**

 **I want to THANK my readers for taking time out to read my stories and if you haven't read my other story PLEASE do it would mean a lot.**

 **Let me not forget to apologize for taking so long to write this chapter but I been working, being a mom, and doing my exams so I hardly have time, but I do my best HAPPY HOLIDAY'S.**

 **Until next time XOXOXOXOX**

 **~UNBOTHERED**


	4. Trying

**Clary's P.O.V.**

I am sitting on the chair in my hospital room looking at the sun set its been about three days since I woke up and I haven't been sleeping much because I be having these nightmares I don't think I make noise when these nightmares occur, but I do wake up breathing hard and sweating.

I haven't been eating so they got me on TPN, Total Parenteral Nutrition which means they feed me through my IV since I refuse to eat I am supposed to be on bed rest and I can't move to much do to my broken ribs, but I do get help to the bathroom someone helps me by placing me in a wheelchair or someone carries me which has been my brother before he left a couple hours ago.

My doctor says I am going to have to let my body rest, so my body can heal correctly he also said that he will discharge me in a few days and take me to the institute until I get back to normal I don't know how normal I will get but I think I want to try because I honestly don't want to be scared all the time and I don't think I want to use death as my escape.

I am not saying I will be talking rite away or I will go back to how things use to be, but I am willing to take one day at a time I got to learn how to walk before I can run right.

Yesterday my brother told me that he can't see his life without me and what if I did succeed in hurting myself what impression would I be giving if he was to have a family or if he did meet someone and got married not only will it hurt him that I would never be able to make it into his future, but he told me he would never be able to get over how much he would feel like he failed me.

I don't want Jon to feel guilty for my choices when I decided to make the decision I was being selfish only thinking about being free from this world and from this pain that I sometimes feel that I can never catch a break.

I realized now that people in this world go through way worse things than I have, what I need to do is take everything I ever went through and instead of letting it tear me down I got to let it build me up.

Even though I am thinking this there is still a part of me that is scared to try and be stronger because I been weak for so long that I sometimes don't believe that I have any strong bone in my body.

* * *

 **A Few Days Later**

I am on my out of the hospital with a nurse pushing my wheelchair to meet Dr. Herondale in the main entrance of the hospital I had started to respond with the shake or nod of my head, but I still feel like I need more time before I am ready to form words, but I sometimes respond to people by speaking in my head but since they can't hear me I move my head.

As we approach the entrance I see my doctor waiting for me with a smile on his face I like his smile a little because they seem so warm and welcoming that I sometimes want to smile but then I don't because I be feeling like I am giving away too much.

"Ready to go" Dr. Herondale ask as the doors open and he walks towards me and bends down in front of me, so we can be eye level I look him in the eyes and nod his smile widens and he looks up at the nurse and says, "Thank you Laney but I can take it from here"

"No problem doctor" she says in a sweet voice then she leaves wishing me luck and saying she hopes I get better.

Dr. Herondale or Jace as he told me to call him looks back at me with a cautious look like he's worried I don't know for what but then he speaks and now I know why he was worried

"Can I carry you, so I can place you in the car" He ask me tentatively

I look at him for a second I am not so sure if I should let him touch me because the only people that been helping me has been a few female nurses and my brother other than that I been too scared to let anyone touch me.

I really have no other way of getting into the car, so I just nod my head slowly he gives me a small smile and then reaches out for me I flinch because I can't help it it's like a reflex or reaction he apologizes and then carries me bridal style to the car once securely in he moves to the driver side and after he checks everything and puts his seat belt on he pulls off.

I was placed in the back seat with I assume is a sleep sack with a pillow and a thick cover to cover myself "We are a few hours out of New York, so I thought you would be more comfortable in the back resting" Jace informs me as he glances at me from the rearview mirror

"Would you like me to put the radio on" he asks me after a few moments of silence I nod as I get more comfortable and I snuggle into the sheet and as I relax the radio is turn on to smooth music like a lullaby soothing a baby and soon enough I am off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

 **Jace's P.O.V.** (Surprise)

We have about an hour or so before we make it to the institute I glance at Clary from the rearview mirror before I turn my attention back to the road I can't help but want to protect her because I know exactly what she is going through.

When I was 8 my dad died and then when I turned 10 my mom tried to commit suicide so every day I would tell her about my day or I will sing to her she used to love when I played the piano and I use to read her favorite books after a while she got better and was more herself

A year after she recovered from her depression we was in a car accident and she didn't make it I was so heartbroken I was lost and that was the first time I had cried, a month after her death my god parents Maryse and Robert Lightwood took me in and I been with them ever since when I got older I wanted to become a doctor but I also wanted to help people that was/is like my mother so Maryse started this program to help people that feel like they are on the verge of self-destruction.

The point of the program is to allow them to see that they are not damaged and that not everyone is out to harm them and it's also to help them find the light in the darkness.

When I look at Clary she sometimes reminds me of how my mom looked her eyes look dead like there is no life in them she has no emotion and the thing about that look is I know that look all too well my mom had that look before she attempted to kill herself, but she is nothing like my mom she is way stronger she went through a bunch of things that my mom never went through.

Clary may feel like she is a waste but when I first seen her awake and I see how dead she looked, like she could care less if she was breathing I knew I wanted to save her because when I look at her I see how beautiful she is, and I see how strong she is after everything that has been handed to her

I know I want to see that girl her brother told me about.

The girl that has a witty sense of humor, the girl that has a good eye for art and can drew or paint a picture like it was actually photographed the one that can also be carefree or the one that doesn't like to hold her tongue and likes disputes because even if she is wrong she always finds away to be right.

I had chuckled at some of the stories her brother had told me and when I look at her I hope I can see that person, so I vow I will do my best to help her the way I had helped my mom for some reason I want to show her how worthy she is I want to show her how much she should be appreciated it and cared for.

Moments later we arrive at the institute as I turn the car off I see that Clary is still sleep which is a good thing because I don't like to see her flinch or scared even though she started to respond a little and hardly shows emotion I still can see she fears physical contact.

I get out the car and move towards clary's side I unbuckle her and carry her bridal style she makes some type of noise then snuggles close to my chest I smile down at her I like how she fits in my arms like if she belongs.

I walked towards the institute it looks like a huge church, but the inside is nothing like a church it looks like the inside of a mansion with an elevator and long hallways with many rooms you would think this is more of a fancy hotel then a family home but that's the main reason we used the extra space for this program.

As I step into the institute its quiet, but I don't expect anything less I move to the elevator and I go up to the 3rd floor and walk past a couple of doors before I get to her room she is right across from my room I open the door to her room and walk towards the full-size bed and place her gently down on the bed and then I remove her shoes.

As I move to place the sheets over her I see that some of her hair got into her face, so I reach out and remove it away and place it behind her ear and then I study her face for a moment and I can see how peaceful and relaxed she looks so, I lean over and planet a kiss on her forehead with the promise that I will get to know the real her and I will do my best to protect her.

* * *

 **Authors Note: I did my best I sometimes feel like I am not doing a very good enough job when it comes to my writing I sometimes feel like I am rambling.**

 **So, I made oatmeal raisin cookies and sugar cookies with my children first time we did that we usually buy them, but it was fun hope everyone enjoys their HOLIDAYS**

 **Please Review and let me know how you feel about this chapter or any of my other chapters.**

 **THANK YOU for keeping up with my reading I am grateful for you all for enjoy my writing and letting me know how you all feel.**

 **Until next time XOXOXOXOXO.**

 **~UNBOTHERED**


End file.
